When I went out of the house of the psychologist who diagnosed my son as learning disabled, I found myself crying and smiling.
"Your son can express in writing approximately 10% of the knowledge he has in his little brain", she explained to me and described the collection of obstacles he comes against.
"Think to yourself what's happened to him after he's experienced so many failures and frustrations. He sees himself as a failure, which takes away so much from his self-worth. Teachers don't expect from him to succeed, his friends think like him, and his motivation to learn is practically zero. So, automatically he doesn't have a chance."
"And then?"
And then this lessens his chances to succeed the next time. This is a cyclic process that repeats itself. In essence, it's like a spiral, the more he fails, and the more he's entrenched deep in a process that guarantees the next failure."
"And how do you get out of this cycle?"
"Exactly the same way he began, in order to get out of whirlpool that pulls him downward, you have to start an opposite process that brings to growth. Every small success that he will experience will raise him upward, even slightly, together with his faith in himself and the teachers' expectations from him. Every small ascent, in relation to himself, will raise his self-confidence, which will ultimately change the way his friends relate to him. This process will contribute directly to his motivation to learn and will strengthen, of course, his chances the next time."
The active program that the psychologist suggested for me is what improved his education.
"And do you believe that this will succeed?"
At the beginning of the year, in 2nd grade, my son did not succeed in learning to read with the methods that were used at the school. With his own great intelligence, he succeeded in hiding it from the teachers, when he succeeded in guessing what was written. On his way, he experienced a lot of frustrations and disappointed himself when he didn't fulfill the expectations he had for himself.
The focus on potential that still wasn't realized, instead of difficulties that hindered his progress, is what encouraged us to search for the ways that would bypass the disability, and allowed us to examine possibilities for a solution by way of trial and error. This is what opened the doorway to requests for help and the recruitment all of the necessary people.
I found an appropriate teacher for remedial education that would work with him on learning strategies. I informed the educational staff in the school of the results of the evaluation and the psychologist's recommendations, such as extra time, option of being tested verbally, photocopying material that was written on the board, lessening of assignments that required extensive writing, ignoring writing mistakes, and more. We were aided by the occupational therapist in the motor area and self-organization strategies, and we even encouraged him to participated in different sports clubs.
At the end of an entire year I felt that the improvement was minimal and I returned once again for help from the psychologist.
"After the evaluation we went into action with one, clear goal - to move the spiral upward in the direction of growth, but I don't feel that we succeeded to move it.
Mutual thought with the brought me to take responsibility and to lead the process, nobody else was committed like me for the result", the psychologist clarified.
"Until when will the responsibility be on me?" I asked.
"Until he can take the responsibility on himself", she answered.
"This is precisely the question. As I ask until when will I be responsible for organizing his notebook, he's already 10..."
"If he would, G-d forbid, break his leg and be helped by a wheelchair, until when would you help him go up stairs?"
"Until he could go up by himself" I didn't even need to answer.
The plan of action that I chose was to begin in one subject alone. For this, I summoned a meeting of all of the relevant people: the school counselor, the classroom teacher, the school principal, the occupational therapist, the remedial education teacher, and me.
"I recommend beginning with one small step. My son loves the stories of the Tanach and this is a subject that is particularly difficult for him. My request is to allow him to concentrate all of his efforts in this subject and to let him by in the other subjects for this period of time". I argued my request by explaining that it's difficult for him to gather up so much energy, which he needs in all of the subjects. All that I wanted is that my son would prove to himself and to those around him that he's able to succeed.
For an entire semester, the remedial education teacher taught him learning strategies with homework from Tanach. The learning material was given to him by the classroom teacher on photocopied sheets of paper, and he prepared for tests with the help of a recording device.
"Don't forget that you can stay for another 15 minutes in order to finish the exam" I promised him when he left the house and I was sorry that I forgot to remind him that there's an option to take the test orally.
"I finished the test before everyone!" he announced to me when he came home."
"And how was it?"
"It was so easy. I knew everything!"
At the end of the semester it turned out that there was an improvement in his achievements in all of the other subjects, even though he didn't focus on them. After four years of frustration, my son felt for the first time a fit between his estimation of his abilities and the results he produced. Slowly, slowly a consistent improvement began in all areas of his life. His grades were incomparably better, his self-confidence was stronger and his social life became especially rich. He learned to go to sleep at the time that we set and his book bag even made it to class with all of the required materials.
With small steps, measured and planned, we planted the seeds. Each time I chose one of the goals that seemed easy for other children, but for him was an obstacle. Slowly, slowly I raised the level and chose more difficult goals like control over the daily schedule, planning his studies according to the exam schedule and fulfilling it, and more.
A long time before I heard about the concept of coaching, I learned to be a coach; I put to use tools from the results approach.
As a coach and a mother, I believe that in the hands of the parents is the ability to initiate the process that will allow their children to make full use of their potential. They have the uncompromising obligation to make possible for their children, exactly like other children, to experience successes and to benefit from all of the possibilities that life offers them. The parents are the ones who best know their personalities and the environment of the children. In their hands is the key that opens the door to the teaching staff, and in their hands is the wallet too. They are the ones who set the monetary priorities.
On their way they must recognize that every goal, as big as it may be, begins with a small step. The steps that I chose seemed at times to others illogically small, but they were appropriate for my son. Goals that for children who don't have learning disabilities seem easy to reach, were for my son a challenge. In order to believe in this, I had to enlist the ability to forgive and accept my son.
Like me, many parents agree and understand that the learning disabled child isn't responsible for his behavior and it is only a way of expressing his frustrations from his lack of ability to stand up to the standards which are being demanded of him. They forgive him that he doesn't reach the achievements they expected from him.
This forgiveness is also required with us, the parents, and with the school staff, since nobody is perfect. I also didn't always remember the goal, and even when I remembered it, I didn't always succeed in focusing on it. When we will remember our difficulties at home, we can understand what's required of the teachers at school, that the physical conditions are unreasonable. In a class of close to 35 students, our children aren't alone. If we remember the facts that are published in the newspapers, there are 10% of the children in the school system diagnosed with learning disabilities that need extra time on exams, the option of being tested orally, or other special treatment. For the teachers who are supposed to fulfill these recommendations, there isn't time to set aside for this within the framework of their jobs, without talking about a quiet and comfortable place to do it.
Nevertheless, the job of the parents is to never give up. They have to be responsible for initiating the growth process; they have to act in order to cause their children to experience their first small success and afterwards the next small success.
This year my son signed up for high school and was accepted to learn in a multi-disciplinary class, designated for exceptional students. The seeds of forgiveness were sewn for six years. We watered them with love and support and they sprouted small successes. The batch of successes that piled up grew and brought more successes with them, which allowed us complete and happy lives. The cycle of frustration and failure was broken and we're initiating every day from new that which will bring to flowering.
We've reaped the fruits.
"Those who plant with tears, will reap with joy"
Tzipi Kubrinski
Coach for Parents of Children with Learning Disabilities